I have a black hole which lives inside of me.
It exists in the darkest corners of my mind and whispers to me in the pause of silence in between each breath.
It worms its way through my memories, burrows under my experiences, and tunnels up to surface at the oddest times, such as when I'm at a family dinner or at school or at the park with friends.
I'm surrounded by people yet, when I blink, for an instant, the gap rumbles, my heart plummets, and I fall, headfirst, into the void - utterly alone.
I fill my days with laughter and joy, art and music and games, silly humor and endless prattle, a million curious questions, hugs, and grand times. I almost forget about my poisonous friend: the seed of abandonment and loss you planted oh so long ago.
I smile and laugh and dance and play and then - when I least expect it - the pain strikes hot and furious, a coiled snake camouflaged in the cool grass I trusted would be welcome to my bare feet.
The loss of you courses through my veins. My grief sets the world on fire and for the briefest moment, the empty, aching gap of loneliness becomes all consuming.
Then I blink and the void closes once more. I put back on my smile. I remember how to laugh. And, for awhile, I am able to remind myself how happy I am without your daggers in my back.
It's a lie to say I miss you.
It's a lie to say I don't.
~*~
Dedicated to a most darling and precious soul who hurts so very deeply today.
I love you very much and I want you to know I see you. You are not alone, even when you feel lonely.
Forever and Always; You are my Ruby Star.
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